Today has embedded itself like a hollow point bullet inside my head. I asked my son to do me a small favor which should have taken minutes and it turned into several hours of pure hatred. Oliver is his own person, he has a car a job a girl friend and a life , we see each other daily but we each have our own direction. I cannot recall if I have ever asked him to take me anywhere and frankly his outburst caught me off hand. He is argumentative but I never imagined hatred spewing from his mouth and heart. In six years he has refused to listen to my explanation for what has been occuring in my life. Today he blamed me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life. He blamed me for his brushes with the law as a teenager . He threatened to throw me out of his car and even put his foot on the gas trying to.prove that he could slam his vehicle into the one in front of him, coming close to making me wonder if he walks around with suicidal thoughts.
The toughest part was his anger about the fact that the car i.purvhased 4 years ago not being to his taste.ni purchased 2 identical vehicles and I drove one and I made sure he had the other so he could expand his horizons and live the life he wanted. He never made a payment for 4 years and enjoyed a free ride, did not take care of the vehicle and purchased a new car two weeks ago without my knowledge leaving me with a payment and no driver for a second car I do not need. He screamed at me today about my using that car as a yoke around his neck, he could not understand worth a damn that a car that has been financed cannot be given to another. …the lender sees me as the person responsible. Oliver damaged my reputation with geico car insurance until my 140 dollar monthly payment became 800 and I could not afford it and had to find my own elsewhere because they refused to take his name off my policy. He never apologized and refused to get insurance and drove a car for two years uninsured.
In the tears he has lived here he has failed to maintain the basic agreement that we reached….there were ten items that he was responsible for which I felt mist humans could manage and process as a part of their daily routine….he did not follow that a single day. Asking him to remove the trash from the deck and place it out for collection twice a week became a screaming match. Imagine screaming about something for an hour when doing it takes two minutes.
When he went out and purchased his new car last month he regretted his decision and we both drove to the deers hip early in the morning to return the car because in 24 hours it had broken down. He then exchanged the first piece of shit fir yet another muscle car that shakes the highway when you drive. I can sit in my bedroom and hear his car hundreds of feet away coming around the corner. His monthly payment is smaller than his insurance payment.
He was yelling at me in the car that he thought I was a fool for buying the cars at the price which I did. I asked him what he paid for his her of trash and it was the sane price that I paid for the car he drove which was new and the payments are the same…..so he grunts and looks away. I think to myself this idiot cannot add two numbers together.
Anyhow the educational process of reproduction to enhance the humsn race and protect it is not as interesting as one would think. If giving birth means nurturing a viper that will try to kill you with insults it’s not required. I am glad my father was not present for this performance because he would not have let Oliver walk away in one peice. It was not easy being a single parent and it certainly is not easy being a single parent who is a voice hearer but I hope that one his journey in life he developed some modesty. I literally cannot believe I produced this asshole who will grace society with his attitude.
I have tried to manage my anger as a parent not wanting israel to use my son and I against each other. I knew that they were streaming him with dreams so bad that he had gone to see a psychiatrist but there is nothing I can do other than manage my own behavior. But Inspite all of this today still flattened my tire of human expectation.
The strange part are the silent partners of evil that only I get to listen to. Can you imagine watching a family, watching their children grow up and yet rather than bonding, finding common ground as humans do, you tell a mother how you wish her son dead. I have watched many of my neighbors raise their children and I cannot imagine such words. I don’t live inside my neighbors head but these bastards view our lives through our eyes.
I remember in the year 2000 my parents moved in with me and my family as they were under financial pressure. Within weeks of them.moving in my marriage exploded because my husband did not want the responsibility for another two adults should they not recover from the situation. When he got up and disappeared I remember lying in bed angrily one night trying to figure out how I would ever date and fall in love sgain. How do you explain to the new man in your life that mom and dad live with you as well as a young child. At the time I had no clue that israel was streaming me, I had no clue how the world would unravel and I would find myself at the center of a massive crime. But once I became a voice hearer the voices confided that well we killed your parents so you could be free…..isn’t that what you wanted. Imagine israel killing your family members because you argued over dinner. …..that is the new reality.
I was close to my parents Inspite of the issues with my mother that I did not understand. Even though my insight into my world was limited to my own perspective, I now know that I was one of the lucky few on this planet to have a normal life, a normal choose and parents who kept money and discussions related to it away from view. They nurtured as best as they could, they provided, clothing, food, shelter, education, higher education and even a willingness to buy me a home.
Oliver was given a home when my mother died. He was but a teenager and yet there were screaming matches about who owned it as if anyone had ever taken anything from him in life. Suddenly a monster was born. The house has a tenant and like most homes requires maintenance. Soon after mom died a storm damaged the roof and it cost 8 thousand to fix which I paid and was mostly reimbursed through insurance which fought the claim because of the age of the roof. I have since paid for other things to be fixed out of my pocket yet he simply walks away as if these are my problem but the gains are his.
When I lost my job in 2008 he became angry and hateful, informing me that I could no longer give him the lifestyle he was accustomed to. As I fought suicidal thoughts, hunger, and poverty he packed up and left to go live with his father rubbing all of my attempts to speak to him. I remember calling him on the phone to hear his voice and he would scream at me and hang up…reminding me of his father during our divorce. My friends were disgusted with his behavior and suggested that I pull back and not confront him but allow him to return to me on his own count. It was a devastating period and everyday I would look at his empty room in terror asking myself if this is what life is about. You never imagine anything coming between you and your children. I had much to do to pull my life together and suddenly I was back in control and one day there was a knock. I opened the door and it was I’ve standing outside…..it had been six months since I had seen him or heard from him. I tried to shut the door but he held it open and begged me for another chsnce. He came home the next day angry at his father. Within weeks he was stealing cadh, lying and scaring me that things were going to crash again. He found a job at block busters and I paid for college and for about a year he seemed in control and determined and I finally felt that he rounded that tough corner that some seem to encounter in life. But shortly thereafter he was angry at employers, didn’t want to work and ate and slept all day long. He had several car accidents always leaving the scene never calling the police until my car insurance had become a mortgage payment and unaffordable.
The only time he is rasa not is when money is given to him. Other people’s problems make him angry. Today’s outburst is a duplicate of the last time that he viewed me as being beneath him. It’s a strange set if behaviors that I don’t understand because I cannot source out its origination point. He has often screamed at me telling me that I am delusional. …that I am divorced from his father and no longer a member of his father’s family. They don’t like you…they don’t care about you…they hate you….and I listen to him wondering if this asshole can hear his own words and feel the hatred he spreads.
Right now he is consumed by something that I percieved as anger at himself because he purchased a peice of junk. The only positive thing about his car is that the noise which Emin ates from its tailpipe is about as bad as the one that comes out of his mouth. His stupid father could not make himself available to go with him to buy his first car probably sensing that a Co signer might be required and neither did his step grandfather. Nor did either one gift him with any money as a down payment. When his father fails him I get the full treatment because Wayne would never make himself available to be spoken to this way. I really wanted to rip his face off today but I knew that physical force does not ever open his eyes to reality.
I would have never imagined that the tiny little quiet boy would grow up to be the muscle car driver with facial hair, tattoos and a bizarre tribal attitude. I Sims try not to tangle with him and my current life requires that I not allow him to abuse me at his beck and call. He does not help with utilities, did not make his car payments, nor does he think that asking him for rent is what a parent should be allowed to do. He hides food so he does not have to share it…..which really is the core of the unkind behavior because this woman never denied him a damn thing even when she was poor and hungry. Wayne did the same thing during our marriage…my money was his but his money only belonged to him. The idea of allowing your wife and child to watch you eat at a restaurant without ordering for them was a normal understanding that drove me away from him. In my book there are things that humans do not do to their family and loved ones…there are lines that cannot be crossed unless we want to condemn humanity.i always thought that people who denied others had once been denied themselves but maybe that is not the case. Wayne too prefer ed to rub up against other people’s money and I found it cringe worthy.
Sometimes he is sweet and cuddly but he seems to meander in and out of extreme behaviors that leave me gaping. It’s easy to over analyze and compare one thing to another when the bottom line is he is now an adult and the journey is his so are the car payments and the insurance payments and the returns on his puss poor behavior towards others. He may learn from it and he might not but that does not detract from what I put into loving and caring for him. Had I not been a voice hearer my reaction would have been compounded but since I know there is a country filled with pedephiles sucking out the brains of humanity as a sport then I just sit back and take my anger out on israel.
I remember finding a discarded letter from my husband in a basement drawer years after he was gone. It was a letter he had written to me with slanted letters indicating stress and emotion. I read ut through and then went back and counted how many times he had written the word I and me. I was surprised that there was room left for other nouns and verbs. It was an intetesting study of a self absorbed lunatic with no understanding of others. ..even if those others were his wife and child. I vowed to Oliver long ago that I will never tolerate abuse of women and chores by men not even from my own son.
You can be the most observant human dissecting behavior by others with great scrutiny but when it comes to your own flesh and blood things take a terrible turn. An idiot that belongs to another is easy to account for but an idiot you birthed is a painful reality. Once something exits through your body life changes in ways you cannot imagine.
Does life really require duality and hatred to spice things up….I don’t think so. Listening to israel tells me that hatred, greed and genocidal behavior often become just as boring as a soy burger from a bad food chain. I would much rather be bored to death by sunshine, ocean waves, summer breezes and rain drops.